Precious One

Monday, October 2, 2017

It was the first time I heard my husband mention about my depression. I never thought that he gave any notice or that he would even acknowledge that it happened. But it did. I lost something so precious. Three years ago, when everything was so messy, I was in my lowest point. But my husband was there to hold my hand and dry my tears, making me feel that I wasn't alone. His presence had given me so much strength.

I thought that when something happens, people can eventually move on. But no one really gets over events. People just learn how to live with them. Once in a while, when I am all alone, I still think about the precious angel and the what ifs. It took a bit of myself. I feel lost at times, a bit of myself gone somewhere.

There has been a debate about life, whether it is during conception or when there are already signs of heartbeat. To me life is life, no matter what "experts" say, life is still life. A soon as it is conceived, it is life. Who are we to judge about life.

It is October, and this is for our angel up above.

"Hold on precious one.
Be strong, have faith.
You are always in my prayer.
You are always in my heart."


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

I have been very angry for the past few weeks. An emotion so strong that it was just so hard to control. I try to avoid people but in my line of work, I cannot really avoid them. In a sense, they are the lifeline of what I do for a living. 

I felt frustrated which eventually led to anger. And I didn't like it. It's as if I struggled to wake up everyday. I didn't wanna leave the house. I didn't wanna go anywhere or talk to anybody or do anything. I just wanted to be inside my comfort zone. I thought that if I'd stay in my zone, I wouldn't be able to say anything bad that may hurt people. 

And it was an emotion that was so difficult to shake off. I tried to suppress the emotions but it just wouldn't leave. It's like having your own demons to conquer. I tried to find reasons. And the only thing that I could point it to was expecting too much from people and then being let down. That's why I've always said countless times that I don't like expecting something. Better to not know than, knowing and waiting and being let down in the end. 

How to end it? There's no easy way really. Just waiting for it to end and fill it up with happy memories. It's like a thermometer reaching a boiling point. And you just wait for it to lower down by taking it out of the source of heat and putting it up somewhere. 

And I just turned to Him and pray to Him and read His scriptures. And I prayed that the next time it would happen again would be never. Or if it would happen again, I would have the strength and the courage to deal with it and not hurt anyone.

Am I over it completely? I don't think anybody could be over it completely. But at least I'm not at the peak anymore. I'm way below the threshold and I'm happy. I'm happy that it'll be over soon. I can start laughing my ass off again.

I'm writing it down because I wanna acknowledge it. I wanna tell myself that, "Yes, I am human and I go through this." And by acknowledging it, I can tell myself repeatedly that there are things I cannot control and must let go; that only 10% of everything can be controlled (as the saying goes). And that I have the 10% to perfect. The rest of the 90%, I leave by faith. And so should everyone else.

Have courage. Be kind.


Friday, September 8, 2017

It pays to have an imaginative mind sometimes. Having hyperactive kids in the house, you'll never know what things they'll ask you to do. M likes to keep singing the same song over and over again. At night, he'll ask you to tell him a story, preferably dinosaur stories. Then you'll have to make stories, credible stories based on the different dinosaurs and their capabilities. Plus the different sound effects that you have to invent to make the stories more lively and believable.

The girls prefer to ask questions with more straightforward answers. No flowery words, just truthful answers. And you have to learn to keep your word. They'll remember days, when and where and why.

They are growing so fast. And they are texting now. But don't expect to get messages during work time. They just text when they're tired of waiting or when they ask if we're coming home. R doesn't like us texting while she's having her classes. Time really flies so fast.

My Weapon for the Next Week

Friday, July 14, 2017

I just inked up my pens. I love using TWSBI. They're smooth to write with and very easy to clean. I am also liking the Studio Series fountain pen given by my dear sister Eshma. 

Putting It All Together

Monday, July 3, 2017

So I made myself a bouquet of flowers using the same technique and materials used in the workshop. But this time, I did it in my monologue sketchbook.

I sketched it out first with a pencil then traced it with my marker and erased the traces of pencil.

I used watercolor to paint the bouquet.

And Voila!