Au revoir my child

Saturday, October 25, 2014

It has been a week since I got out of the hospital. It wasn't a pleasant experience, then again, is any hospital stay pleasant? Ever since I was young I knew I wanted a big family, 6 or 12 kids perhaps. But when I had hypermesis with the first one, I knew I wouldn't reach 6 kids. Then I got pregnant with our second child and hyperemesis struck again. When I had 2 girls in succession, I told my husband, the next one would be the last, boy or girl, that would be my last draw. Needless to say, I had hyperemesis in all 3 kids and delivered them all by C-section. The last one was with BTL (bilateral tubal ligation). I knew another bout of hyperemesis and I couldn't take it.

For three years, I breastfed my youngest, a boy. Frustrated from previous experience with breastfeeding, I vowed to perfect my last chance at this expereience. Also, I was ensured of not conceiving by breastfeeding him. From the time they tied my tubes, I had the feeling I would probably get pregnant again, but I didn't know how, until...

About 2 weeks ago, I have had bouts of left lower quadrant pain. It disappears but comes again a day or two after. I didn't want to be confined again, remembering how painful the IV insertions were, I kept refusing hospitalization. We went for an ultrasound of the whole abdomen but the only thing they could find were incidental findings of intramural fibroids (a small myoma). By this time, it was only tender when they touch my hypogastric area (lower abdomen). So I went on with my business, went to a party and visited my in-laws.

But on a Tuesday morning, I could not refuse my husband when he demanded I go to the hospital. For several months I did pregnancy tests everytime my menstruation was delayed for 3-5 days, and every tests said negative. It was only at this month when I didn't take a pregnancy test owing to the fact that I was tryng on this fad diet which had hcg hormone in it. So I initially assumed that maybe it has something to do with that but never had I imagined that it would be "the" time, what I have always suspected.

Initially, CT scan showed that I was probably having some sort of intestinal problem and was treated with antibiotics. But when the official CT scan result came out, it said otherwise. I had to undergo another ultrasound and a few more lab works before they confirmed it was ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and they immediately scheduled a 6pm operation. 

*photo from I wanted to spare you the gruesome pictures so instead I'm showing you this.

For days, I was in denial that I was pregnant despite undergoing BTL. I knew that I was going to be pregnant again, I just didn't know how. I've asked my husband repeatedly if it was all a dream or that if everything did really happen.I kept asking how it looked liked or how big my wound was. It was only after a day did I realize that I have asked him the same questions repeatedly. He protested I was asking the same questions countless times. When my anesthesiologist saw me in my room, he told me that even sedated, I asked if they could save my child. And I have spent a few more days crying over the loss of my child. Medical definitions would tell you that an abortion is different from an ectopic pregnancy. But to a mother, it is all the same. I lost a child and however which way it happened, it is still the same. I did not talk about this during the first few days because I knew how sentimental I could be. I wanted to see if I would still feel the same if I allowed time to run its course. Guess what, I still feel sad losing my chid.

Everybody has been saying "sayang". If there was someone who felt more devastated, it would be me. What helps me to get throught the day is remembering what my dear friend told me that God did not take the child from me, it was never mine, it was Jesus'. I'm holding on to that and everything seems to feel better. And I was told that I have so many blessings coming my way, I have so much work in my hand, and I would tell them, "I'd rather have that child than all the work I have now." Would it have been a boy?... or a gir?... I will never know. I just know that my child is up there with my mother. Ma take care of my child. I will see you both when the time comes.